Taking Advantage of Conflict and Confrontation

The presence of highly developed positive neuronal connections among leaders and team members does not mean the absence of conflict and confrontation. On the contrary, a culture that embraces collaboration and connection welcomes constructive conflict and confrontation. The operative word here is constructive, as this kind of conflict or confrontation is purposeful and helps the team in several ways, such as building commitment, talking candidly about challenges, revealing points of behavioural and performance weakness, and examining solutions and new approaches. Constructive confrontation and conflict reveal authenticity – there is no “fake it to make it” in relationships and trust can grow significantly as a result. Even so, this constructive type of conflict and confrontation makes the best of us anxious, and we avoid engaging these situations for various reasons, that include the following:

1. Conflict and confrontation force us to be accountable. The core of a conflict or confrontation within a team is the question: “Are you doing what you promised to do?” This “promise keeping” question is intended to keep the team members honest so that they can maintain focus, take personal responsibility, manage behaviour, and achieve their goal. The problems with this question are that (1) no one likes to ask it, and (2) no one likes to be asked it; the question can make people feel judged and pressured in the absence of trust and authenticity.

2. Conflict and confrontation give us honest feedback. We are more emboldened during a conflict or a confrontation. Thus, we are not hesitant to speak our mind about the person with whom we are in conflict or about the situation over which we have a problem. This feedback can reveal to us how other people experience us through our behaviour and how that experience influences their perception of us. As positive and constructive this behaviour experience can be, these personal revelations can make us feel uncomfortable and we can choose to avoid them.

All great relationships require constructive conflict and confrontation to grow and thrive. Influential leaders orchestrate the culture in which people can be energized, engaged, and fully aware of their meaningful contributions to the enterprise. Much of the personal and organizational benefits of such a culture can be negated if we avoid constructive conflict and confrontation. Remember this – positive conflict avoidance is negative conflict guaranteed. If you do not want to endure the toxic aspects of negative conflict then you must have the courage to engage in positive confrontation and constructive conflict. Doing so reflects a truly enlightened leader and is evident in all high performing teams.

The ability to overcome this fear can be achieved taking the following steps:
1. Reconnect with the purpose of the organization. The stated purpose of the organization, the “why” factor, is to be of service to a great number of people, not to forward one group’s interests. When we avoid strategies (like constructive conflict and confrontation) that enable the purpose of an organization to be fulfilled, we invite not only disruptions but also harm. For example, the collision of two 747 airplanes at the airport in the Canary Islands, the explosion of the space shuttle Challenger, and countless fatal medical errors, all occurred because people who knew something was wrong did not speak up appropriately and persistently. When we reconnect with the primary meaning and purpose of our work, we can gain clarity, courage, conviction, and commitment. These ideals then drive us to pursue constructive conflict and confrontation, which help us make better decisions.

2. View conflict and confrontation as positive rather than negative. The key is to be intentional and deliberate. Generally, people’s mental model about conflict is set to “fight or flight” – that is, we run from it if we cannot fight it. And when we stay to fight, we often (if not always) lose, so we choose not to be bothered at all. This mind-set prevents us from considering a third option: See conflict and confrontation as allies, not as enemies. When our mind regards conflict and confrontation as helpful, we change our emotional reaction and their emotional impact on us.

3. Get out of the way and let constructive conflict and confrontation do their job. According to Patrick Lencioni, the leader should enable their people to work out their own problems: “It is key that leaders demonstrate restraint when their people engage in confrontation, and allow resolution to occur naturally, as messy as it can get sometimes.” Kerry Patterson and colleagues suggest in their book Crucial Confrontations that constructive confrontation is essential to organizational relationships, growth, and prosperity, particularly when it involves people who are at different levels: “We really perked up when the person was about to confront a leader who was more powerful – say a supervisor going head to head with a vice-president. And if the person had a reputation for being highly aggressive or even abusive, we couldn’t wait to see what happened.”

Learning the skill of Positive Presence and practicing the skill of Positive Presence will equip you with the necessary behaviour and thought habits to ensure you can successfully navigate even the most difficult conflict and confrontation.